Twilight, How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count The Ways...

Disclaimer: This post may contain language unsuitable for minors, as well as horrible reviews of Twilight and/or Keanu Reeves. If this offends you, may I suggest taking a look at these cute puppies and kitties doing mischievous things.

OK - So, let me count the ways I hate Twilight... Hell, I'm pretty sure Deep Blue can't even count that high. You hear a lot of guys say they hate Twilight. Why, do these men, speak such truth?

Because it is an abomination of literature, cinematography, and we pretty much all want to beat Edward Cullen's face in with a 2x4.

"But, Pat..." I hear the ladies moan with pleasure... "He's so dreamy! And he's such a bad boy!" Are you friggin' kidding me? Dreamy? Since when is an anorexic, anemic, pansy-ass attractive? Sweet Baby Jeebus [SBJ], if this was true, I would've had all the ladies in high school. Hell, I would've been dating the Prom Queen, and probably dumping her for her MILF mother (is MILF mother redundant?).

And a "Bad Boy?" Are you kidding? He drives a friggin Volvo. "Hey, look at me! I'm a badass driving a Volvo." Gad, I know you're supposed to be like 109 years old or something, but come on! You've been in high school long enough... Here's a hint. MUSTANG! Preferably something of the early 60's vintage.

Again, you may want to refresh yourself with the disclaimer above.

I've heard artists explain how they can't get their true emotions and feelings out in their work, no matter how hard they try. Much like the great artists of past, I too, feel as though I will never fully describe my complete and utter hatred for Twilight.

And as for you, Miss Stephanie Meyer... Where the HELL do you get off taking so many liberties with vampires? There are certain rules.... orders if you will.... that you do not mess with. Peanut butter goes with jelly, dogs hate cats, and FRIGGIN VAMPIRES DIE IN SUNLIGHT, NOT SPARKLE LIKE A DAMN DISCO BALL.

So what was the problem, Steph? See, I'm going to call you Steph, because I feel we have a close and intimate relationship, without ever meeting. Much like a torturer feels close to his victim, I too consider the amount of pain you've put me, and every other male on this Earth, a very, VERY personal thing. And I am NOT happy about this.

So, back to my point, Steph... What compelled you to take soft-porn and throw vampires into it? Not good enough for the smut section alone? Did Danielle Steele laugh at your work and scare you away, belittling your confidence so greatly that you had to go and write soft-core porn not even Cinemax would want, so you had to find a way to market it to Tweens? Surely there's some explanation...

And Burger King... Seriously, a company of your size and revenue stream... You had to sell out to this trash? Isn't the food on your menu enough shit to shove down your customers' throats? Every time I see a commercial asking "Which Team Are You On" I think to myself, "The King would never approve of this... Why isn't he making heads roll?" I guess I can at least be thankful that the Old Spice guy hasn't jumped on this train wreck of an advertising campaign.

Okay, I think my ranting and rage is subsiding for a few minutes. Let me introduce to a "friend" of mine. Enter Chris O.... The reason I'm torturing myself.

You see, apparently it's much more fun to make someone suffer (and that means suffer more than biking 180 miles in spandex) to earn money. So, my former Groomsman in my wedding decided that it would be grand for me to "experience" some of the fine entertainment that is Twilight. He "graciously" offered to contribute $50 for every Twilight movie I watched (total $150), plus an additional $50 for going to the theater with a Twilight shirt on (new total $200), plus an additional $50 if I stand up in the theater and proclaim my allegiance to Team ______ (grand total of $250 for you Twilight fans out there who can't comprehend basic mathematical skills). Well, I know when to swallow my pride... So, Mr. Chris O... I'll play your game.

Now, I hope that you've begun to realize my complete and utter hatred for Twilight... But I also hope you understand that I hate Cancer more than I hate Twilight... Wait, did I just say Cancer... That's a type. I meant 'cancer.' "But, Pat..." I hear the ignorant cry out... "You just wrote the same word!" No, I didn't. I refuse to acknowledge "cancer" with a capital C. It's weak, and it's a matter of time till we beat it, just like we want to beat down Edward Cullin.

P.S. - I had to choose a team, so I chose Team Edward. I have my reasons, none of which are good. All I can say is, the lesser of two evils. I'll explain in future posts.

As always, to make a donation to my Pelotonia Ride (100% money raised goes directly to cancer research), or to learn more about Pelotonia, please visit: http://www.pelotonia.org/ride/riders_profile.jsp?MemberID=55449